And the Queen has spoken...

So I am always perched atop a soapbox
But maybe once I will say something that interests you
Could you at least listen once just in case
Maybe in your view I am ignorant, misinformed or just plain retarded
You aren’t the only one in this fucking world
Why can’t you just acknowledge that I exist?
Why can’t you for once treat me more like a person instead of apiece of meat
You feel you solely created
Like your sperm was spewed on the ground and from it I was born
Can’t you at least pretend that I am my own person?
Maybe for a day, I can’t even say on one birthday have you ever made me feel special
More like a task you force yourself to love
But if I was a mute it was suit you much better
Or better yet a pose able figure that you can form into whatever you want
Like play-doe that is what you wish I were
Instead of the opinionated, self-sufficient person I am
God, you must hate me to give me a conscience…to be aware of everyone’s feelings
And no one ever notices mine
What did I do to deserve it?
Did the priest not wash my sins hard enough?
Did he half-ass the job?
It is the only thing I think of because I am pained by this privileged life
I wish it were simpler
Like not caring about others and completely looking out for myself
Like telling people to go fuck themselves when they deserve it
Instead of being diplomatic and forgiving them
Because hate is supposed to consume the one who hates
Not the one who is hated
What about the one who is never seen?
Never noticed…any dream I have is tossed to the side to make everyone else happy
And all it would take would be a “thank you” or an acknowledgement
But instead it’s a “you’re doing a great job, could you get better clothes?”
Just you…Just you
Don’t notice me for my hard work or my dedication
Notice me for my tight sweaters and the breasts that fill them
Like it fucking matters
All because people who need to stay focused can’t when I enter the room
Yeah fucking right…isn’t that their problem?
Why must I be burdened with such ridiculous pressure?
Don’t just be solely responsible for the company’s financial welfare
But make sure to dress like an ugly person too
So any confidence you feel as a blossoming woman is diminished
And completely tarnished.
Fuck you Jacquelyn
I think everyone should wear a shirt that says that.
That way at least I am not invisible.

I am tired of this game we play
So I’m moving on
I need something different in my life
To help get me through the day
You make me tired with all your lies
And my heart is scarred by the love I had
And now it has gone away
I surprisingly am okay with that
The not needing you
Thinking about you every moment
Wishing you were thinking of me
I realize that you are a fuck
And when I thought I would be lucky to have you
It is so clear to me now the reasons I never did
I deserve so much better
You realized that long ago
And I fought you the whole time
Thank God you fought me too
Because I stupidly could’ve ended up with you.

My fish died last night...I only had him for a couple weeks, but he was still apart of me. He was my one fish of my two fish and my red fish of the blue fish. I did everything right...cleaned his water, fed him daily and he wouldn't eat, he would sit at the top and tread water. I tried to get his attention so he would, but I think he wanted to die...maybe even fish can decide to take their own lives, and who was it who said animals have no feelings?

Nothing’s ever good enough anymore
So why bother, why try
And work hard for nothing?
I don’t know what to do to make you happy
But you always know how to make me cry
Sometimes I sit and pray for a moment of peace
Sometimes all I need is to smile
Why is nothing ever good enough for you?
I need a moment to be free from expectation
I have none for you
I know you need to be who you are
I do that respectfully
Leave me in a moment of peace
That’s all I need
Just a moment of peace

Nothing’s ever good enough anymore
You push me around
And shove my pride on the floor
You tell me that I could do so much more
Why isn’t me being me fun anymore?

I try to make you happy
But the strings come unattached
I want so desperately to make things not bad
I tell myself that this is short lived
But it matters not
Who I am
But who you want me to be
I desperately just want to be me

Why are things not good anymore?
You tell me you love me
But hate me so much more
I don’t know how to break the silent awkwardness
Every word I say gets you so fucking pissed
I sit in silence pretending not to feel
And you get even angrier at the silence between us
I have learned my only weapon
Against you is indifference

I wish I could snap my fingers
And make it all go away
I thought I loved you
But now I see apathy is all there is left of me
You tried to tame me
Take away my pride
And blame me
For every little thing
But I don’t have the patience to love you anymore
I realize now
That I am worth so much more
You need a woman
Who doesn’t mind being told what to do
I need a man who will love me
And won’t mind space in between
I want a man who can love me
For me, just me, as I am

I am sad inside…really sad
Aching to be happy
Hoping for a just one smile
To form from my lips
You know the kind that happens
When no one is looking
That is the only kind of real smile
I thought I did the other day
But I looked up and someone saw
It almost ruined the moment
I heard though that smiles are infectious
So I could have spread my disease to him
But I doubt it, I don’t know why
Maybe I did make his day
I wish I could remember what I had smiled about
What made my day…I should say moment
So wonderful
I was probably laughing at myself
I am so good at that
I sit and laugh at my flaws
You know because they make me beautiful
Right?
Or maybe just unique
That was something my mother told me once
When she was consoling me about something
I think I had bad skin
And some asshole told me to get Oxy
Men…they think teasing a girl will work wonders
Sometimes I think cavemen had more figured out
The pea brains I encounter daily make me sick
So what do I do now?
Do I realize my true beauty…flaws and all
And get over this deep, dark sadness?
Or do I let it simmer like top raman
Everyday my life keeps going in the direction I want
And I seem to lose more and more of myself daily
When will I truly find the meaning of it?
Not life...not even my life
Just my “great depression”
My drowning in sorrow
My can’t catch my breath
My heartache
My love loss
My deeper meaning
And the rumble in my stomach
Hungry not for vegetarian fare
But for self-knowledge
World knowledge
State knowledge
And I don’t mean Florida
A state of mind never discovered
Never understood
And never
Ever
Concluded.

I am really excited to have a blogsite. Forgive my giddiness, but for a while now I have been writing in my computer, but haven't shared it with anyone, and that seems so wasteful...right? Thoughts from one person generate new ideas to another. So without further adieu here is some old shit...

Alone
Tired
Worry succumbs my brain begging me for peace
But I can’t hear him my mind is too boggled with what ifs
With what happens now
With why and how
I sleep but wake up unrefreshed
I sleep to survive, not to dream
My apathy my useless nature
Is all there is left of me
I dream while awake
Thinking of happier times
But there are constant memories
Of a life that is no longer mine
I pray hoping someone will hear my cries
And I kneel and plead to God that he answers mine
I don’t want to feel these hopeless thoughts
I want to feel the sunshine in my heart
And in my soul
And in the days that take their toll
I want to breathe and feel the air
Come in my chest
And the breeze in my hair
I need a break from life itself
Except when I close my eyes
The only resolution I can see
Is taking my own life away from me
I don’t want to die
Just to sleep
To sleep to dream and to smile
I’d love to run and dance and sing
I would love to feel like something’s happening
In my heart and in my soul
I need to feel like I’m not alone
Yet when I call no one answers the phone
No one holds my hand, no one understands
I am alone, but through that I have gained strength
I have gained an understanding
Of who I am, of what makes me simply
And affectionately me

---------------------------------------

The room is spinning and the light is bright
I ask you questions
But you think I might tell you my opinion of you
How I love you and the guilt that seeps in
How I need you like a fix
Or how I’d love to feel your breath on my neck
As you sleep silently and dream
Dream of the demons you fight everyday
But in your reverie you win
I wish for those to come true for you
One day
I hope and pray that you achieve every dream you have
Every thought is beautiful
Every action perfect
I know it isn’t possible
But who said I cared about reality
Obviously if I did
I would have accepted that you’ll never be mine
And I’ll always be willing
To try and try
And you’ll always disregard my pleas and my promises
You’ll always look past my honest eyes
And the pain that I fail to disguise
The pleasure I pretend that I don’t get
When I’m lying in your bed
Like it’s a task that I force myself to do
When there is no other place I’d rather be
Than in your arms and have you here with me

-----------------------------------------

You feel like the perfect song
Those lyrics that explain just how you feel when you are stuck in some emotion
Wrapped up in some confusion
And it is explained right there
It was there the whole time waiting to be discovered
Waiting to be heard
And absorbed
Like a warm blanket soothing your achy cold bones
Caresses across your brow
Fingers running through your hair
Softly
Gently
Putting you to bed
As you sink into your soft welcoming bed
After a long hard day at work
Unfolding
And letting go
Drifting into another world
Another experience
With vulnerability
But success is attained
And the meaning of it all is explained
In perfect English, French or whatever you prefer
You fit like a glove I never knew I wanted
But feel so glad to have found
On some shopping spree
When I had money burning a hole in my pocket
Like a great find
You are meant to be
And it is a true shame
You’ll never want me

--------------------------------------------

I wander around this earth
just wondering
what I have to give
what I have to lose...
I'm never the one you want for keeps
I'm just the one you keep for now
I wonder how far this will go
when will I find the strength to stop loving you?
When will I find myself and walk away?
I'm broken on the ground
under all this pressure
dying under all this pressure
and when I looked up
I realized
you were never holding me down
you were always letting me go
it was just me who stuck around.

Well, it has begun and only time will tell what will come of it.