Friday, February 20, 2004
It is my only wish to leave a legacy of truth and beauty. The nicer I am to people the more I notice how people are affected by kindness. I would say some are grateful and some feel as if they are deserving of it. No one in this world owes anyone anything.
We choose to be grateful and we choose to be pretentious.
My father does a lot for me. He pays for my house and for my car and supplies me with a job. All of those things make me uneasy in my esteem security. They make me question myself b/c I am being handed greatness, not accomplishing greatness.
When I did a lot for my brother with the agreement of being paid back, he was resentful instead of grateful. I never mentioned money or said it was to be paid back, but he assumed that he was going to have to, so he resented me for enforcing something I had not enforced. This was his ego lashing out at me b/c he had been weak in my presence and I helped him. I didn’t deserve to be treated this way, but neither does my father when I lash out at him.
Humans cannot control their emotions when they are not in control of their lives. To be weak, to display weakness in front of someone gives them the ability to take power of you. It is up to that person to be diplomatic enough to not take it.
We choose to be grateful and we choose to be pretentious.
My father does a lot for me. He pays for my house and for my car and supplies me with a job. All of those things make me uneasy in my esteem security. They make me question myself b/c I am being handed greatness, not accomplishing greatness.
When I did a lot for my brother with the agreement of being paid back, he was resentful instead of grateful. I never mentioned money or said it was to be paid back, but he assumed that he was going to have to, so he resented me for enforcing something I had not enforced. This was his ego lashing out at me b/c he had been weak in my presence and I helped him. I didn’t deserve to be treated this way, but neither does my father when I lash out at him.
Humans cannot control their emotions when they are not in control of their lives. To be weak, to display weakness in front of someone gives them the ability to take power of you. It is up to that person to be diplomatic enough to not take it.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Ringing phones, but no one’s answering
And I am all alone
I cry in hopes someone will hear
So I’m not alone
But no one hears and no one comes
So silence overcomes me
A silence like no one’s ever heard
Trance and tremble all is quiet
But in my mind it’s loud
The sound is growing
And no one knows why the world is spinning round
I stand in stillness
And weight is lifted from me
I float into an unending infinity
In fetal position I feel the warmth surround me
And the slow path of darkness
I am trembling
Slowly and steady towards the sound
Towards the light all around me
My eyes are open and focus
On fixated images of loneliness
Of contemplations and severed nations
Unheard cries and soundless lies
And rhymes that stop
I am standing all alone in silence.
And I am all alone
I cry in hopes someone will hear
So I’m not alone
But no one hears and no one comes
So silence overcomes me
A silence like no one’s ever heard
Trance and tremble all is quiet
But in my mind it’s loud
The sound is growing
And no one knows why the world is spinning round
I stand in stillness
And weight is lifted from me
I float into an unending infinity
In fetal position I feel the warmth surround me
And the slow path of darkness
I am trembling
Slowly and steady towards the sound
Towards the light all around me
My eyes are open and focus
On fixated images of loneliness
Of contemplations and severed nations
Unheard cries and soundless lies
And rhymes that stop
I am standing all alone in silence.
Sometimes I really think about killing myself. I can’t say it is the most positive way to feel and I wouldn’t even say that I would ever go through with it, but to know I have the power to take my own life. I don’t know, it also makes me very sad, b/c you start to wonder who would show up to your funeral, and who would care. For some reason I don’t think that many people would show up. So…maybe it is a waste of time to wonder, because that starts to depress me too.
Sometimes I really think I want to make the world a better place. I would like to distribute food to the hungry and medicine to the sick. I would like to take in stray animals and not only provide them with food and shelter, but love. I want to protect Mother Nature and speak out in her defense. When I think about all of these things I feel deep down that the possibilities are endless. But…then I remember that I’m still sitting in my living room, doing nothing…and that starts to depress me too.
Sometimes I think about you, and the fun we’ve shared. How you could make my entire day better just by being there. How at my worst you still thought of me as beautiful. How at my best you were taken aback. When I would cry you would hold me, and when I would laugh you would laugh too. How the world was okay when with you. But…you are gone and…that depresses me.
(Sometimes I write things that I don't even feel apart of at the moment, but at one time did.)
Sometimes I really think I want to make the world a better place. I would like to distribute food to the hungry and medicine to the sick. I would like to take in stray animals and not only provide them with food and shelter, but love. I want to protect Mother Nature and speak out in her defense. When I think about all of these things I feel deep down that the possibilities are endless. But…then I remember that I’m still sitting in my living room, doing nothing…and that starts to depress me too.
Sometimes I think about you, and the fun we’ve shared. How you could make my entire day better just by being there. How at my worst you still thought of me as beautiful. How at my best you were taken aback. When I would cry you would hold me, and when I would laugh you would laugh too. How the world was okay when with you. But…you are gone and…that depresses me.
(Sometimes I write things that I don't even feel apart of at the moment, but at one time did.)
Monday, February 16, 2004
Put your hand over my mouth while I sleep, it would suit me much better to go that way. Call it pride if you will, but I won’t lie to you ever.
I was told to say sorry, but the truth is I feel it is you who owes me an apology.
All of these guidelines, these rules and regulations
What for? Not for the well being of anyone but you
And me I’m supposed to smile as I walk across hot coals.
I have smiled for you, danced a little just to please you
But I refuse to look you in the eye and apologize because it was ordered
When is it enough?
When do I get to just speak my mind, give you a piece of what I really feel
I think my opinions might be too real for you, but I speak a different language it seems
You are so jaded by your political views; here you believe you are a republican
But you smell like a socialist to me.
So if anyone needs to be honest with anyone it is you to yourself.
What brings you to feel so passionately towards making my life complicated?
Didn’t your mother ever teach you that sometimes in life if you leave it alone things will work out fine?
Or did you always touch the hot oven, or make a stink out of nothing
Just so your opinion was known?
I could live a thousand years and never care what you thought
But I pretend that it matters because I am ordered to do so
That is where I draw the line though; I’ll smile when I feel a smile tugging my mouth
But I won’t lie and say I’m sorry, when I haven’t done a damn thing wrong
I do too much in life to feel sorry for to apologize for nothing
I have made sacrifices for you, for the well being of others
So you can sacrifice now, and let it go.
I was told to say sorry, but the truth is I feel it is you who owes me an apology.
All of these guidelines, these rules and regulations
What for? Not for the well being of anyone but you
And me I’m supposed to smile as I walk across hot coals.
I have smiled for you, danced a little just to please you
But I refuse to look you in the eye and apologize because it was ordered
When is it enough?
When do I get to just speak my mind, give you a piece of what I really feel
I think my opinions might be too real for you, but I speak a different language it seems
You are so jaded by your political views; here you believe you are a republican
But you smell like a socialist to me.
So if anyone needs to be honest with anyone it is you to yourself.
What brings you to feel so passionately towards making my life complicated?
Didn’t your mother ever teach you that sometimes in life if you leave it alone things will work out fine?
Or did you always touch the hot oven, or make a stink out of nothing
Just so your opinion was known?
I could live a thousand years and never care what you thought
But I pretend that it matters because I am ordered to do so
That is where I draw the line though; I’ll smile when I feel a smile tugging my mouth
But I won’t lie and say I’m sorry, when I haven’t done a damn thing wrong
I do too much in life to feel sorry for to apologize for nothing
I have made sacrifices for you, for the well being of others
So you can sacrifice now, and let it go.
Sunday, February 15, 2004
A dedication in honor of Valentine's day for all of my past lovers:
I would have stood and fought back to back with you, but you taught me something I didn't even know myself. When a woman can love a man right down to her fingertips, she can hate him the same way.
-Anonymous
I feel so dizzy. I feel I may vomit. My mind is still spinning. You don’t exist.
That perfect man I thought that did. I made you into reality. But when I say that I really mean…I made imperfect into perfect in my mind. The walls crash down eventually. You can’t go saying the sky is red when it is blue and expect people to not look cross-eyed at you. I have tried to convince myself that love exists outside of me. That is the biggest misconception by far. While I was searching for love out there. I missed the love going on in here. It was pure and genuine and very sweet. One day it will come again. I hope. I may be too late. I can only pray that God gives me one more chance. If he does then life is grand. I, my friend, will be in heaven and won’t feel so dizzy. The world is in motion and I stand so still. I looked up and I thought I saw you. You were there with imperfect eyes and all I saw was a pleasing disguise. I wanted you for all you were and everything you turned out not to be. You lying man, you’ve sold yourself short. You wanted someone to love you even when it hurts. I hurt, I bled and I left you in the end. Now you feel dizzy, but that’s not my fault. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You will one day have to come to terms with your actions your decisions and your words.
Love exists...but the only reliable source is from yourself.
I would have stood and fought back to back with you, but you taught me something I didn't even know myself. When a woman can love a man right down to her fingertips, she can hate him the same way.
-Anonymous
I feel so dizzy. I feel I may vomit. My mind is still spinning. You don’t exist.
That perfect man I thought that did. I made you into reality. But when I say that I really mean…I made imperfect into perfect in my mind. The walls crash down eventually. You can’t go saying the sky is red when it is blue and expect people to not look cross-eyed at you. I have tried to convince myself that love exists outside of me. That is the biggest misconception by far. While I was searching for love out there. I missed the love going on in here. It was pure and genuine and very sweet. One day it will come again. I hope. I may be too late. I can only pray that God gives me one more chance. If he does then life is grand. I, my friend, will be in heaven and won’t feel so dizzy. The world is in motion and I stand so still. I looked up and I thought I saw you. You were there with imperfect eyes and all I saw was a pleasing disguise. I wanted you for all you were and everything you turned out not to be. You lying man, you’ve sold yourself short. You wanted someone to love you even when it hurts. I hurt, I bled and I left you in the end. Now you feel dizzy, but that’s not my fault. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. You will one day have to come to terms with your actions your decisions and your words.
Love exists...but the only reliable source is from yourself.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
I had a nightmare that your penis was dripping skin, that you were on top begging me to touch it. I was so disgusted waking up from my coma, knowing that I don’t know you just to wake up with you in your bed. I pretend we are like an old couple laying there in love, but sometimes I forget your face and your name. I look at you and wonder how I ended up here, in this foreign bed, with this foreign man. I try to forget all that I can’t remember. It never happened, you don’t exist, but when I woke up…you were here.
Monday, February 09, 2004
I don’t know what happened to my life…where did it go? I thought I was on the road to happiness, but I find I am so miserable more and more each day. I wish I could reach out and something solid will be waiting for me to grab. My own personal safety net, to know I am not alone, but I'm reaching out into the darkness and the further my arm gets outstretched the colder the scenery becomes. The damp moistness of reality chills my bones. I am afraid to step back in life, but what if the answers lie there? And I am just wasting time in purgatory for no reason? I could be happy, there is hope for happiness in a world with “what if” and “how about this”…but in this world I am so defined and yet have no identity, living each day at a time as if it never existed like I can blink and everything is forgiven, everything is undone. That is just it, I am trying to walk the rope, but it’s shredding and I was standing firmly in the middle when it broke. I want to feel like I am not so alone in this cruel world. When all the people who surround you are less than solitude itself…I mean I would rather be alone, but I yearn to have company, does that even make sense? Does the breath I keep breathing make sense? Am I breathing still…should I be? Am I just dreaming, like I am going to wake up and be back in Texas and life will be the same? Ever since I got here, I don’t recognize myself. How can I be so confident in high school and the first years of college and question myself constantly now? Why am I degenerating…what the fuck is in the water here? I can’t breathe again; it hurts to raise my chest to swallow the air down in gulps so I don’t suffocate. Forcing life into my body, but I am merely a carcass walking this earth, and eventually someone will notice the smell.
Thursday, February 05, 2004
Pretty funny, huh?
I knew my pain would make you laugh
I know that when I'm sad
you are so happy
what is the point of this show
of this breaking hearts
why does it bring you joy to bring sorrow?
maybe your mother didn't love you enough
like not getting enough oxygen
you want people to feel your pain
what about the people who do love you?
Are they exempt...could they be?
Would you even consider the thought?
One day I'll laugh too
but I'll probably be laughing at you.
I knew my pain would make you laugh
I know that when I'm sad
you are so happy
what is the point of this show
of this breaking hearts
why does it bring you joy to bring sorrow?
maybe your mother didn't love you enough
like not getting enough oxygen
you want people to feel your pain
what about the people who do love you?
Are they exempt...could they be?
Would you even consider the thought?
One day I'll laugh too
but I'll probably be laughing at you.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
I was a fool to think that you were genuine
You with your glass eyes
So easy to look through
Like there was depth,
But only in my reflection
Rambling your new-age thoughts
Caressing my senses,
Like I “totally understood”
What for you to think that I was so easy
Maybe to the world you seem so deep
But while looking in your eyes
One can only see
Their own reflection
Staring back at them
And for me
I know that there is no end
To how deep the story goes
For I know
I am as deep as they come
But you
You are like a scratch on the surface
That genuine has never met
That reality never knew
And I’ll pray for you
With your obsession for Jesus
Or the hope to prove him wrong
Like his message was so evil
Or your envy of his throne
Maybe one-day people will love you
The way you have always hoped
But me I know you
And the lack of thought you give
To the actions you play
To the effect it may have on another’s day
Another’s heart
Or even the way
They believe in Christ
Or any other God
For you would love to be
Jesus
But when I look in your eyes
I, unfortunately, only see my reflection
Staring back at me.
You with your glass eyes
So easy to look through
Like there was depth,
But only in my reflection
Rambling your new-age thoughts
Caressing my senses,
Like I “totally understood”
What for you to think that I was so easy
Maybe to the world you seem so deep
But while looking in your eyes
One can only see
Their own reflection
Staring back at them
And for me
I know that there is no end
To how deep the story goes
For I know
I am as deep as they come
But you
You are like a scratch on the surface
That genuine has never met
That reality never knew
And I’ll pray for you
With your obsession for Jesus
Or the hope to prove him wrong
Like his message was so evil
Or your envy of his throne
Maybe one-day people will love you
The way you have always hoped
But me I know you
And the lack of thought you give
To the actions you play
To the effect it may have on another’s day
Another’s heart
Or even the way
They believe in Christ
Or any other God
For you would love to be
Jesus
But when I look in your eyes
I, unfortunately, only see my reflection
Staring back at me.
